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Blog, depression, St.Mary's, Walthamstow churches

Ordination Day

This morning, Ken Ashton – the new curate who started at St.Mary’s a year ago – was ordained along with 5 others as priests by the Right Reverend David Hawkins, Bishop of Barking and Chelmsford, at St.Mary’s. I haven’t been attending services recently, just the Bible study group round at the Bakers’ (a little quiet discussion of theology and exegesis with a small group being about as much as I felt up to handling really), but I felt I ought to make the effort to put in an appearance, despite misgivings.

I didn’t get even halfway through the service before I felt very strongly that I’d made a mistake and I didn’t belong there. I would have walked out, except I didn’t want to disrupt the service. Freda got a bit restless, so I took her to the soft play area in the South Porch. She at least was enjoying herself. I, on the other hand, spent the whole time sitting there watching her and thinking to myself, “This is a big mistake; I don’t belong here. I shouldn’t have come.”

I joined in with the singing, but somewhat lost my voice for the prayer responses, and when the time came for Communion I just shook my head at the usher and stayed in my seat. At the end, I made my escape with Freda at the first chance – and it really did feel like escaping.

I don’t think I was ready to go back, particularly to such a crowded event. Touching the Divine whilst trammelled in by stone walls is, at present, near-impossible for me. I think I need to seek and find Divinity elsewhere.

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About arkadyrose

Genderqueer artist, singer, musician, writer, tailor, mead-mazer and doll crafter living in Walthamstow, NE London. Periodically develop obsessions with various topics; currently it's Paganini, previously Ancient Greece and Alexander the Great, but also fascinated by Ancient Egypt and Romano-British culture. Christo-Pagan.

Discussion

2 thoughts on “Ordination Day

  1. Reading everything to the end I understood that Divinity is in you.

    Posted by Gamov | Monday, June 29, 2009, 9:37 pm
  2. There are many places to find the Divine outside stone walls — many Christians have found this to be true, and shy away from the ritualised Christianity that prevails in some cultures. If you don’t feel you fit in that set of ‘stone walls’ check out another way to worship Jesus Christ outside that setting. Just because the ‘church’ setting doesn’t feel right pease don’t discard the reason for faith in Jesus. You made a commitment to Jesus Christ and were baptised into Him. He has you in His hand — and doesn’t plan to let go. Remember the early days when you were strongly aware of God’s protection against some very nasty things that wanted to interfere. Jesus is faithful, even when we find it beyond ourselves to do anything to maintain an active faith in Him. God bless you and keep you. Helen

    Posted by Helen | Monday, July 13, 2009, 1:46 am

Arkady Rose

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