At the weekly session at the Bakers’ on Thursday, everyone was discussing Sunday’s ordination service. People were describing it as wonderful, uplifting, stunning, awe-inspiring and discussing how they felt.
I felt as though I had missed out on something beautiful, even though I was physically present at exactly the same event as they were. It reminded me a little of how I felt before being baptised about watching other people take Communion, only more lonely. I had spent the whole service torn between feeling out of place, and preoccupied with Freda (who now thinks we go to church just so she can go play with the toys in the South Porch).
The group also discussed how they felt that despite the fact there were far more people than usually attend a Sunday service, St.Mary’s didn’t feel crowded – and yet, I had felt hemmed in by the press of too many people. Further sign that I am not mentally in the right place for this.
I have decided that for the time being, I will carry on with the midweek group at the Bakers’ on Thursdays, but not the morning services on a Sunday. Freda is getting better at being left with her father for periods of time, so I may try coming alone to some of the evening services instead; they tend to be quieter, with fewer people, and perhaps without the distraction of a small active toddler I will be better able to get into the right frame of mind to be receptive.
The one part that brings real comfort still is the music. I’ve always found my moods very receptive to music, and singing has always made me feel closer to the Divine; I can lose myself in the song, and feel myself uplifted.